I got the call today from my radiologist who shared when I will start radiation and chemo. Radiation will be for six and a half weeks and chemo once a week during those six weeks.
This wasn't part of my plan.
Cancer wasn't part of my plan.
Being apart from my family wasn't part of my plan.
Being a stay at home mom has provided me the opportunity to be a volunteer in my children's classrooms, at their schools, and see important milestones like the last day of pre-k and being able to go into school for their birthday celebrations.
This year things will be different.
I will be getting the treatment I need, in a different state, Monday through Friday, until the end of their school year.
I will not sugar coat this, it sucks.
Oh and layer one of my child's 10th birthday is in there too is another punch in the stomach (although I will see them that day somehow, someway.)
I knew this was coming but now the dates are real and seeing what I will miss is clouding my vision...
As I sit here,
Pausing. Breathing. Praying.
This verse popped into my head.
"We make our plans but God directs our steps."
I never would have planned to have cancer, or to have to get treatments out of state. I never would have planned to have to miss part of my child's birthday, my little one's crossing over to Kindergarten ceremony and other end of the year milestones.
Yet, these are my God directed steps.
I have to trust that behind this looming cloud the radiant sun is shining. I have to believe that this time away from my family is meant for good in the end. Not only to make me well physically but to strengthen us individually, and as a family, and help us grow stronger in heart, mind and Spirit.
I know resisting what is to come will create more tension within me and acceptance will give me freedom within.
I am choosing to resist today simply because I need a day to sulk. I am feeling like a heartbroken mom who will miss her family. God knows my heart and that I'll move into acceptance soon with His help.
We make our plans. God directs our steps.
I'll get there God, accepting your plan. Today just comfort me in my grief of what I hoped for that will not be.
I wrote that yesterday and I meant every word. Yet how often a good night sleep and widening the lens can bring perspective.
This morning I was able to take my eyes off of my problem and widen my view to take in other happenings in the world. What I see is heartbreaking...there are so many people struggling in the world right now, and what I have to go through is nothing compared to some - There are those going through what I am going through without loved ones beside them. Some people's tumors are inoperable and/or treatment unavailable. There is homelessness, addiction, San Bernardino, the Syrian chemical attack and South Sudan refugees and all their heartbroken families.
I know my struggle is real but sometimes my gaze can be so narrow I forget to put it into perspective...
Today I am able to see that my situation will be temporary. I am able to see blessings where yesterday I saw obstacles.
I have the ability to get the care I need within driving distance of my family.
I have loved ones who will be in touch by phone and FaceTime to support me through the process and allow me to be present at activities that I would otherwise have to miss.
I get to come home on weekends to watch my kids play softball, baseball and t-ball.
I have an amazing husband and three awesome kids to come home to.
Before I know it my treatments will be over and I will be back home, back to life as a stay at home mom with my kids home for summer break:-)
Maybe you're having a day like I did yesterday.
Feel the grief of your situation.
It is real and it's okay for us to have days like that. When you are ready, I invite you to join me and....
Pause. Breathe. Pray.
Practice widening your lens. See the broader picture. Recognize that often there are other situations out there that will give us perspective to what we are going through. When we are able to see the size of our struggle in the widened view, we can see that our current situations may not be as bad as we first thought them to be.
We never would have devised this plan. But it is the path we are on and we need to walk these steps.
There is freedom in acceptance.
I hope you will join me in trusting that God's plan is better than ours. Let us not look at the obstacles in our way but refocus our eyes to look for the blessings God has placed along our path to encourage us along the way.
He is with us. Let us trust where he directs our steps...
With love and hope,
P.S. I ask that you join me in sending love, prayers, etc. to all those I mentioned above. And if we can do more, let's do what we can, when we can...