Yes, I have a new road to travel on my journey in life, one with cancer.
I had been congested for quite some time and found myself at the ENT a couple of weeks ago. When I walked into that appointment, I expected to be walking out with nasal spray or some type of medicine. What happened next was unexpected and unnerving. The doctor said he didn't like what he saw and ordered a CT Scan and asked that my husband accompany me back to another appointment later that same day to discuss the findings. That was the start of the whirlwind...
Within 24 hours I had an MRI and a biopsy scheduled four days after that.
Those first 24 hours when I found out I had a tumor in my palate and nasal cavity and that it had already eroded bone was a shock to my system. I felt numb. Confused. Every thought I had was about what I was going to miss in my life...being old and wrinkled with Stephen in our blue rocking chairs sitting on the sand, being there beside my children for all the major milestones in life; graduations, weddings, babies, etc. Yes, I saw my life pass by and what our family of five would look like as a family of four. At one point I turned to Stephen in tears saying that I thought I was going to implode.
Our families flocked to our side helping in any way they could; folding laundry, getting groceries, getting the kids while I had appointments, etc.
Over the weekend as I was waiting to go for the biopsy, I realized I was creating a story for myself but it wasn't necessarily my truth. I was here, now. That was the truth. And it wasn't productive to spend my time with my eyes focused on the problem, cancer. I needed to pause. breathe. pray and focus my eyes on God to help me get back on solid ground.
When I chose to focus my eyes on God it was like He invited me into the eye of the storm. I had been swept away in the whirlwind of the chaos, He wanted me to be still, to calm the storm in my mind and focus me back on truth.
Yes, I have Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma but that isn't who I am. The truth is I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, aunt and friend. I need to be who I am and not allow cancer to define me.
Yes, there is so much I don't know yet if I dwell there, which is where I started to those first couple of days, it will lead me to a dark place. I had been turned upside, scared, full of fear and at times I was literally shaking because I was so unnerved. The truth is to be at peace I need to focus on what I do know...
God has me in the palm of His hands.
Stephen is the perfect person to be by my side loving me, holding my hand and making me laugh through this process.
My children have the best hugs, kisses, voices and laughter in the world! And as their Mom I will do my best to show them what faith looks like when faced with adversity and what never giving up looks like.
I have the best parents, brother, sisters and inlaws who will stand beside us through this process, lending a hand, lifting us up and showering us with love and prayers daily.
I am blessed with extended family and friends who have us covered in prayer and positive thoughts around the clock.
You see I choose who has me...
I give myself to God, my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my community.
I give myself to love, to kindness, to compassion, to forgiveness, to mercy, to grace.
I give myself to hope.
I may have cancer in my body but cancer will never have my Spirit.
I will be practicing letting go and trusting God through this journey- it is easier said than done depending on the moment. I am grateful the waves of peace have outweighed the waves of sadness and fear recently.
My hope is to heal completely and that I will be off this road soon yet I trust whatever the outcome, all will be well for me, and for those I love because God can make good of all things - even cancer.
As I walk this new road with cancer, I am doing my best to fill myself with love, truth, peace and hope. I am not one to usually ask for help but I am learning that every prayer, positive thought, and piece of love and light flowing my way is fuel in my tank. So here are a couple requests I have:
- If you happen to find yourself during your day with an opportunity to bless someone else, with your time, energy or resources, do it and then please send me a note and share how you were a vessel for love.
- Please send prayers, positive thoughts, light and love, etc. our way when you think of it. Knowing our family - especially our children - are being covered in love really comforts me.
Thank you for walking beside me on this new road on my journey. I wholeheartedly appreciate it.
With love and hope,